( clarinet playing )
( doorbell chimes )
Yeah, uh, we're with
the pet hospital down the street
and I understand you have
a dying animal on the premises.
( ringing )
Hello.
You've reached The House of Unrecognized Talent.
Please start after the...
( clarinet squeals )
Sounds as though you've got a dying animal
to attend to, eh, old chum?
( gasps )
Squilliam Fancyson from band class?
I hear you're playing the cash register now.
Well, sometimes.
Uh, how's the unibrow?
It's big and valuable.
l'm the leader of a big fancy band now
and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.
The Bu-Bu-Bu... the Bu-Bu-Bu... the Bu-Bu-Bu...?
That's right.
I'm living your dreams, Squidward.
The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it.
So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Oh, uh... I-I-I-I'd, uh...
I knew it!
You don't even have a band.
Well, I'll just let you get back
to the service industry now.
Hold it!
It just so happens that I don't sell fast food,
I do have a band
and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl.
How do you like that, Fancyboy?
Good luck next Tuesday.
I hope the audience brings lots of ibuprofen.
l've got to drum up a marching band fast.
Drum.
( chuckles )
Band humor.
"Looking to add fulfillment to your dull, dull life?"
"Then become part of the greatest musical sensation
ever to hit Bikini Bottom."
"And be forever adored
by thousands of people you don't know."
"Not to mention free refreshments."
"Practice begins tonight, 8:30 sharp."
Stupid music rental clerk made me late.
That trilobite didn't know an oboe from an elbow.
Hmm, elbow, hmm. More band humor.
ALL: ♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. ♪
♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah. ♪
SQUIDWARD: People, people!
Settle down.
Okay, now.
How many of you have played musical instruments before?
Do instruments of torture count?
No.
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.
Horseradish is not an instrument either.
That's fine, no one has any experience.
Fortunately, I have enough talent for all of you.
( laughing )
( laughing ): All of you.
( laughter subsiding, coughing )
When do we get the free food?
Okay, try to repeat after me.
( inhaling )
( plays musical scale )
Brass section, go.
( playing sharp notes )
Good. Now the wind.
( playing flat notes )
And the drums.
( sputtering )
Too bad that didn't kill me.
Let's just try stepping in rhythm.
Now, I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
ls this the part where we start kicking?
No, SpongeBob, that's a chorus line.
Kicking?!
Oh, I want to do some kicking!
( grunts )
Why, you...!
Why, I ought to...!
( yelling )
( Patrick bellowing )
( clamor subsides )
( footsteps approaching )
Whoever's the owner of the white sedan,
you left your lights on.
( horn blowing notes )
( long note blows )
( chaotic music playing )
Okay, that's perfect, everybody.
Bubble Bowl, here we come.
Flag twirlers, really spin those things.
Okay, turn.
Flag twirlers, let's go.
I want to see some spinning.
Flag twirlers, let's move!
Come on! Move!
( playing "Taps" )
How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?
It's tremendous.
You want to see?
( inhales deeply )
( note plays )
( high note plays )
( panting )
( low note plays )
( note plays )
( gasping for air )
( panting )
( inhaling weakly )
( high tinny note plays )
( groans )
Well, this is our last night together
before the show.
And I know that you haven't improved since we began.
But I have a theory.
People talk loud when they want to act smart, right?
( shouting ): Correct!
So if we play loud,
people might think we're good.
Everybody ready?
And a-one and a-two
and a-one, two, three, four!
( loud blast of music )
Okay, new theory.
Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.
Well, maybe we wouldn't sound so bad
if some people didn't try to play
with big, meaty claws.
What did you say, punk?
Big... meaty... claws!
Well, these claws ain't for just attracting mates.
Bring it on, old man!
Bring it on!
No, people.
Let's be smart and bring it off.
Oh, so now the talking cheese is going to preach to us.
( crowd murmuring )
Wait, wait!
I know tensions are high.
Take that!
( yelling )
( squabbling )
There's a deposit on that equipment, people!
Settle down, please!
( karate-like yell )
( growling )
Hit him! Hit him!
( yelling )
( ding )
( squabbling stops )
Hey, class is over.
Okay, yeah, see ya tomorrow.
That was good.
Say, what are you doing after...
( chattering stops )
Well, you did it.
You took my one chance at happiness
and crushed it.
Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces.
I really had expected better of you people.
I guess I'm a loser for that, too.
Don't bother showing up tomorrow.
I'll just tell them you all died in a marching accident.
So, thanks.
( cries ): Thanks for nothing.
You're welcome.
What kind of monsters are we?
That poor creature came to us in his hour of need
and we failed him.
Squidward's always been there for us
when it was convenient for him.
Evelyn, when your little Jimmy was trapped in a fire,
who rescued him?
A fireman.
And, Larry, when your heart gave out
from all those tanning pills, who revived you?
Some guy in an ambulance.
Right.
So, if we all could just pretend
that Squidward was a fireman or some guy in an ambulance,
then I'm sure we could all pull together
and discover what it truly means
to be in a marching band.
Yeah, for the fireman!
ALL: Yeah!
Now let's make Squidward proud.
A-one, a-two, a squiddly-diddly do.
SQUIDWARD: I knew this was going to happen.
They're just going to have to find another band to play.
I just hope that...
Squilliam doesn't find out!
Squilliam! Ahh!
What are you doing here?
( chortling )
I just wanted to watch you blow it.
So, where's your band?
Uh... they couldn't come.
They... died.
Then who's that?
Ah! That would be my band!
We're ready to perform, Squidward.
Well, Squiddy, this is exactly
how I pictured your band would look.
That's his eager face.
( chortling )
I guess this will be the last time
I can show my face in this town.
That's the spirit, Squidward.
ANNOUNCER: Okay, football fans,
put your hands together
for the Bikini Bottom Super Band!
( wild cheering )
( whooping )
Yeah!
These are some ugly-looking fish.
Maybe we're near one of those toxic-waste dumps.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Okay, everybody.
( weak chortle )
Let's get this over with.
One, two, three...
four...
( playing fanfare in perfect pitch )
( rock ballad intro playing )
♪ The winner takes all ♪
♪ It's the thrill of one more kill ♪
♪ The last one to fall ♪
♪ Will never sacrifice their will ♪
♪ Don't ever look back on the wind closing in ♪
♪ The only attack were their wings on the wind ♪
♪ Oh, the daydream begins ♪
♪ And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah ♪
♪ And it's ours for the taking ♪
♪ It's ours for the fight ♪
Oh!
♪ In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah ♪
♪ And the world is ours to follow ♪
♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet victory. ♪